I'm a potential criminal, check out my panties!

No pride is allowed into the United States of America.

Following the success of United Breaks Guitars, I felt like producing "United Wets your Luggage" as I got to Brasil last month. My beautiful bag which had got intact to the US all the way from Japan under the care of ANA, had been completely mistreated by United Airlines on the way to Brasil. Wet and stained, so sad... Just not as sad as what happened on my way back to Japan!


It's relatively more complicated to check in going to the US from Brasil than when going from Japan. Even before immigration, the airlines have a security check, where I resisted the urge of replying to "What were you doing in Egypt a year ago?" with "Learning how to plant bombs to destroy the occidental free world". I resisted, I didn't want trouble, I just wanted him to return my passport. That's why I was very nice when I asked the United employee if he could do something to keep my bag from getting wet this time. After all, it was my fault for traveling with a pretty bag, and expecting to have dry clothes once I got to Japan.


He didn't want to help and just told me "these things happen". Then I saw that the person in the next check in counter had managed to cover their backpack with a plastic bag. After a long time asking for it, they finally got me one as well. I didn't feel like I was asking too much, but the guy felt like he deserved a medal.

In the US, even though the luggage was checked in all the way to Japan, every passenger has to take their luggage from a treadmill and put it on the next one. I guess that for security reasons they want to keep a record of who is taking each bag with their super spy cams. So I patiently carried my 18kg bag, still covered by the plastic, which means I couldn't roll it. It's amazing how I managed to be calm the whole time, but never again. Now I know I should have given their cameras the middle finger, because TSA (USA Transportation Security Administration) was about to do the most humiliating thing to my suitcase, which I was to discover only once in Japan.

As the plane landed, still on board I was paged to meet some personnel in land to talk about my bag. I had no idea what was going on. The Japanese people were polite as always, saying a thousand sorries and ready to help me with anything, I just didn't know what kind of help I would need, what had happened to my bag? They told me to go take it from the treadmill and come back to talk to them.

At first I didn't recognize it, but after another round around the treadmill I saw that my things were not inside my suitcase anymore. Everything had been taken out and put in a bigger plastic bag, which included my emptied suitcase. My underwear was mixed with my food and books. I had bought this huge thing of ground garlic which was really smelly, so I had packed it into 2 plastic bags - but now the bags had been teared open and everything smelled like garlic. The books were not organized into one bag anymore, everything was a mess. I'd had more than 30 hours without sleep, I just wanted to get home, I didn't wanna talk or understand what was happening.

I just put everything back into my bag, totally unorganizedly, and went to talk to the ANA people. They were trying to explain to me that the bag was opened in the US for a security check and that's how they had left my things. I said I didn't think anything was missing and left - what else could I say? "The US government went through my panties and now everything smells like garlic!" My suitcase had been raped: teared open, abused and left helpless. They gave me a number to call in case I had any further complaints, and I proceeded without saying anything else.

I just wanted to get out of the airport, but first I had to go through the Japanese customs. I had a crying face, and the man must have thought this was a sign of hidden duty to pay. He asked me to open the bag. Ah open the bag! I told him to do it himself, and he did it. Looked through my messy stuff, well, it wasn't a secret to any government anymore - I had brought clothes and ground garlic! You caught me! Then he couldn't close the bag anymore and told me to do it. I stayed there staring at him as he tried and the line got longer. I just wanted to leave, so I ended up closing it myself.

What a humiliating episode. I wonder how often this happens to innocent travelers around the world. Decent people treated like criminals, like their privacy and belongings don't deserve any respect. I was probably stripped naked by their new scanners, then my luggage teared open and spit back to me. Because I was Brazilian, or maybe because my bag was inside a plastic, or maybe because their temperature sensors felt I was too hot even for someone coming from Brasil during summer, maybe because I had wanted to see the pyramids a year ago. Who knows the reason?! And the funny thing is, I probably don't even have the legal right to know the reason. Why me? Why all this lack of respect? I'll probably never know...

But who am I, besides a potential criminal? Besides a poor girl who got stuck with the cheapest ticket she could get back home, which unfortunately included a 12 hour layover in the most paranoid, disrespectful, and unfortunately, powerful country in the world. Who am I to want some respect? In this planet, money rules. Money buys you first class seats, money buys you private jets, money gives you the right to invade people's luggage, see them naked, invade their lives... And without money, you gotta put your head down and say sorry for being a potential criminal.

What a great society we've got here, really. We fought so much for democracy, for human rights, for better governments, for more laws! And we've forgot about self-respect somewhere on the way... Does anyone know how can I get that back?